Honestly, I’m through with it. Emotionally. I don’t really need it anymore. For myself. But maybe I will need it for my career, later on…?
Currently I’m on my second position as a doctoral student. The first one I quit after one and a half years. It fulfilled all bad cliches one could think of for academia.
In my presence I was talked about as the “cheapest possible labour” for the job, in front of project partners, after people asked why a doctoral student was employed in this project, since it wasn’t meant to be research-focused. The responsible people couldn’t care less about me being able to put together a thesis on this project. Of course, one could argue that it was my mistake, I didn’t question the position enough, I didn’t do my research. But if a renowned research institution offers a position for a doctoral student and promises that you will be able to graduate with this project, that sound very interesting at first, you just believe it. After a while I somehow managed to put together a research question, but it wasn’t really my preferred topic. I didn’t see an opportunity for me to grow with this. Then, after having been forced to join a meeting abroad just shortly after my father’s death) which had been known), of a project I haven’t even been part of, but where I had to present a poster, something happened that I didn’t think would ever happen. During the achievements-sessions one of the group leaders, who was completely unknown to me, presented a slide which had my poster on it. As an achievement of a working group I have never been part of. When I asked to PI from my institute, who must have given it to him, because it still showed his corrections in red, responded, that he didn’t realize it, and that he didn’t see who the presenter was. He was in the same room as me, and the poster has been up for what felt like eternity to me. Other people noticed and asked me, half-offended, why that guy showed my poster instead of their actual achievements. Right.
Long story short, I quit the job. After I did, which wasn’t easy at all, my department head told me to not make such emotional decisions and calm down. He asked me, if my boyfriend, who I was in a long-distance relationship with due to this job, wanted me to come back to him. Apparently, he couldn’t imagine me, as a woman, as a doctoral student, making such decisions for myself, for my career.
On my final day he saw me off with allegations of me having spread rumours about him and it not being possible to graduate successfully in his department. If someone asked me, I talked about my reasons. And the rest was obvious. At least 50% of the doctoral students in the department left after 3 frustrating years without graduation. Without self-confidence. Devastated. A lot of them cried. A lot of them were mad. That’s just how it was. I was very relieved, when I left the building for the last time.
I still wanted to write a doctoral thesis and work as a scientist. Just different. I knew that it was possible.
After high school, I first worked as a lab technician for some years, which was great. Looking back, I probably wasn’t able to judge how the doctoral students in my group really felt, but overall we were nice group. Small, young and very connected. We were a good team most of the time. Even if not everything was sunshine and rainbows all the time, I still wanted to work in science and become a ‘real’ scientist. I’m good at it, I love the job, it’s purposeful. Who wouldn’t want a job like that?
I still want a job like that. Just not like that. Not in that system. Why does it have to be so toxic in so many ways?
Shortly after quitting the job, I found a new doctoral position. The first impression was great. I talked to the PI and the postdoc of the project a few times before starting. People seemed to be happy there. But then I started, the postdoc left for another position and things started to go downhill from there.
My passion for science isn’t gone. I just don’t want to do it in a system like that.
I feel like I’m already at a different point in my career, than you would usually be when starting a doctoral student position. I have work experience, went to university, did a lot of voluntary work, have been living and working in different countries. It doesn’t seem to count anymore.
Right now I’m again the stupid doctoral student who just shouldn’t mess up the next Western Blot.
I will probably need the title. Just not to prove anything. Not for myself. Not to be able to work in science. Maybe just to be taken seriously.
And that’s when the joy of working in science gets lost. And the purpose.
I will probably try to stick it out until the end. But I’m still not sure for what really.